


The Argument

by AlreadyThere



Series: The Exchange Policy and Related Fanworks [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Superman (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Everyone curses, Gen, Humor, LIKE ALL THE TIME, Mentions of Homosexuality, Mentions of Sex, Sexual Humor, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 05:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6040621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlreadyThere/pseuds/AlreadyThere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conner talks love, sex and heartbreak with a young relative, while Tim and Damian discuss their sexualities.</p><p>Also Bruce grounds all his children because they're little shits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Argument

**Author's Note:**

> Why am I still writing about these weirdos idk I'm done.

**The Argument**

            “Yeah, well, one time when _The Planet_ was filled with a magical truth spell, I had to talk about my sex life in front of my boss to hide _my_ secret identity!”

            “ARGH! No! I don’t want to hear that!” My…my kinda-sorta half brother/nephew Chris whined.

            “I mean, your mom and dad are married,” My best friend Tim, this weirdo who used to call himself Robin but now refers to himself as a hamburger joint, responded. “What did you think? They were nuns?”

            “Since I’m adopted, I can think whatever I want,” Chris snapped. Then he turned up his nose. “Not really though. Not when you have super hearing and thin walls.”

            “Well, have you tried telling them to quiet down? That’s what I always do when someone at the tower is going at it too loud,” I suggested. Chris just stared at me.

            “They’re my parents, Conner.”

            “So?”

            “They’re my _parents_.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “ _Obviously_. Anyway, I just asked for a pair of Beats for Christmas, received them, and no longer have to worry about that. Until _now_.”

            “Well, Chris, if you didn’t want to hear your father’s private conversations, maybe you shouldn’t be ease-dropping!” Damian Wayne, Tim’s creepy little brother, scolded. Damn, I forgot that ninja-boy was here. “Now quiet. Father is saying something interesting.”

            “Do you know how many women I have resisted sleeping with in order to conceal _my_ secret identity?”

            Tim and I burst into uncontrollable laughter. “Dude,” I managed to choke out. “That was so interesting, man.”

            “I know right? So _incredibly_ interesting.”

            We quickly quieted ourselves so that Superman or Batman would not become too distracted by our laughter and try and find us in the Batcave’s armory.

            “Tt. I’m leaving,” Damian grunted, leaving the room and dragging Christopher with him.

Tim and I quickly grew bored without the two preteens there to cares about what Superman and Batman talked about and I instead quickly began making long, complicated puns about preparedness, protection and Bat-Condoms. I eventually just started calling Tim Condom head. As much as Tim protested my jokes, I caught him cracking a smile at a few points. Soon we got hungry and Tim took me upstairs.

            “So then Bruce called my dad and asked if he knew anything about the Metropolis branch of Intergang’s activity, and we came here since Clark’s letting me help him and Conner on this,” Chris animatedly explains to Alfred as we entered the kitchen. Tim opened the fridge.

            “Would you like some cookies, Master Tim?”

            “I would!” I told Alfred excitedly. “I think Tim’s on a juice cleanse though.”

            “I’m not on a juice cleanse.”

            “Yeah, he keeps eating raw kale and whole fruit and lean sustainable salmon,” I explain to Alfred.

            “None of that is juice.”

            “And whenever I offer him fries or pizza, he tells me it’s not healthy and grabs a bag of unsalted almonds! I think he has an eating disorder,” I whisper.

            “I eat over 3,000 calories a day. I don’t have an eating disorder. I just can’t metabolize pure grease and sunshine into energy like _some people_.”

            I roll my eyes as Tim grabs a Greek yogurt from the fridge and starts mixing _fruit_ into it.

            “Why is the Clone here?” Damian asked no one in particular, especially not me.

            “Don’t be rude, Master Damian,” Alfred warned him.

            “ _Sorry_ ,” Damian retorted sarcastically. “Kent, why have you graced us with your presence? How are your classes? Are you working now? Is your girlfriend doing well?” Alfred, done with all of our shit, rolled his eyes and mumbled something about Intergang.

            “I miss _my_ girlfriend!” Chris moaned.

            “What was her name?” Damian asked.

            “Thara. We were soul mates.”

            “Soul Mates?!” Damian exclaimed. “Tt. That is ridiculous.”

            “It’s true! We were destined to be together forever!”

            “What, did she move out of state before you got to hold hands or something?”

            “She _died_.”

            The four of us are silent. “Shit, that got heavy,” I whispered, kneeling down next to Chris as tears began to well up in his eyes. “Hey, don’t cry Chris, Thara wouldn’t want that.”

            “How do you know what Thara would want? She’s dead! She doesn’t want anything because she’s dead!”

            There’s nothing I can actually say to that, so I continue to sloppily comfort the kid and text Cassie “ _need u in gotham_ _L”_

“Well, why not you tell me what you miss about Thara?” I ask awkwardly.

            “She…she was pretty…” Chris sobs. “So pretty that back when I was older she made me feel good in a weird way when I looked at her…”

            “Oh my god, stop this,” Tim groans under his breath.

            “Good, good, that’s good Chris,” I tell him, motioning for Tim to shut up and stop stunting little Christopher’s sexual re-awakening.

            “What about her personality?” Tim interjects.

            “She was _perfect_ ,” Chris wails. “She was nicer than any of you jerks!”

            “That’s not hard; Damian’s here,” Tim nods.

            “I’m sorry I’m not as _wonderful_ as Kent’s _soul mate_ ,” Damian snaps as someone knocks on the door and then promptly throws it open.

            “Heyevereyoneit’sameBartAllenlololololol,” A small, brown haired speedster screams as he rushes into the room, pulling Cassie, the most beautifulest perfectest goddess on the entire planet with him.

            “What did you need me for?” Cassie asks as I push the sobbing Kryptonian towards her.

            “I needed someone who knew what it was like to lose someone important to them. And you lost me once. So I thought you could talk to Chris.”

            “Um, Conner?” Cassie says as Tim buries his head in his hands. “We never really talked about how _incredibly_ badly I handled that, have we?”

            “It’s fine, Cassie. I’m sure you’ll have some great advice.”

            “I joined a cult.”

            “So?”

            “I hit on Booster Gold because I was convinced he was you.”

            “Yeah?”

            _“Tim and I almost had sex in weird clone goo!”_

            “Cassie, I fail to see the problem in any of this.” I snap, “Are you taking notes on cooping mechanisms, Chris?”

            “I know where to find cults, Tim and Booster Gold, but I don’t know where clone goo is. Where did you find it?”

            “We are _not_ talking about this,” Tim screams, trying to pull out his own hair. “No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!”

            Cassie sighs and sits across from Chris. “Tim tried to clone Conner. It didn’t turn out right.”          

            “Wait, stop!” Damian interrupts, standing up and pulling the room into silence. “Why did Drake try to clone the clone?”

            “He missed him,” Bart explains from the fridge he’s been raiding for the last few minuets. “Him! Not me! I was supposed to be dead too, you know. _What_ a miscarriage of justice.”

            Damian holds up his hands and turns to Tim. “Drake. That is so _. Incredibly._ Gay.”

            “Man, don’t use that as an insult,” I tell the kid.   “And Chris, don’t clone Thara. That’s weird. And maybe ask Lois before you join a cult.”

            “No, I mean, that is literally the actual definition of closeted homosexuality. Rubbing a man’s girlfriend in his DNA and having sex with her? That’s weird.”

            “And not exactly what happened.”

            Chris and Bart sit in the corner now, bonding over the troubles of the quick aging and de-aging processes. Alfred’s back now and talking to Cassie about his time in Her Majesty’s Secret Service. I hear Clark and Bruce coming up the stairs.

            “Seriously, Jimmy kept on asking if I was _tied up_ every time I was late for weeks, _months_ even after that day.”

            “Well _maybe_ you should lay off the _50 Shades_ stuff then!”

            The two men round the corner to see Tim and Damian arguing about Tim’s sexuality, Alfred and Cassie acting out a complicated fight movement, Bart and Chris actually, physically crying by the blender and me, sitting at the counter looking pleased with myself.

            “Chris! What happened?” Clark exclaims.

            “Damian was making fun of Thara and me,” The kid sulks. Bruce sighs and rounds on the odd ninja child.

            “Really, Dami? Can you apologize to Chris?” Bruce tells him.

            “I didn’t know, father, this isn’t my fault.”

            “Damian Thomas Wayne, if you don’t apologize I will take all of your katanas and Batarangs away, I swear to God.”

            Damian sighs and turns to Chris.

            “Christopher. I am sorry for making light of Ms. Thara Ak-Var’s untimely demise, as well as diminishing the emotional anguish her death brought you.”

            “It’s okay, Dami, I accept your apology. Can we be friends again now?”

            “Yes. I should have known that your soulmate’s death would cause you such trauma – because-of-Tim’s-feelings-when-the-hybrid-his-lover-died,” BAM, in a cloud of smoke the ninja boy was gone.

            “Oh, a gay joke, how utterly mature and tolerant,” Tim groaned. “Bruce, can you at least _try_ to control your offspring?”

            “I do not hate you because you are homosexual, Drake, I hate you because you are unworthy to be a son of my father!” a distant voice yelled.

            “Right,” Bruce sighs. “Not to be rude, but if you don’t live here, can you get the fuck out of my house?”

            “Master Bruce, really?”

            “Yes. I have to literally ground each and every one of my children and that usually takes a while.”

            “What did the other three do?” I ask as Clark actually physically drags Chris and I out of the house. “Wait Clark, I want to know!”

            “Bruce, what the actual fuck, none of this is my fault!” Tim complains, to no avail.

            “Cassie, Bart, you should probably come with us,” Clark yells as the two other teens jump and scurry after us.

            “Bye Tim! Good luck with the grounding!”

            Soon, we’re all in Lois and Clark’s apartment, Cassie, Bart and I playing video games with Chris while Lois and Clark discuss the Intergang development.

            “So Cassie, I got one of ‘Tim’s cowls’ for later,” I tell her as Bart and I burst out laughing.

            “Why do you need Tim’s cowl?” Chris asks.

            “Because you need condoms to prevent the spread of STDs and pregnancy,” Cassie explains.

            “Right,” Chris says, throwing his controller on the ground and leaving. “That’s it. We’re not doing this again.”

           

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not done I lied. Next one of these dumb pieces will probably have Jon White in it BTW. Tentatively called "Is There Something You're Not Telling Me?"


End file.
